


The Winter Soldier Vs. Self Check Out

by MarleyMortis



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Versus Technology, Bucky has a potty mouth, Gen, Sassy Bucky Barnes, Self Checkout Machine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-18 07:40:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9374843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarleyMortis/pseuds/MarleyMortis
Summary: The Asset meets his match when attempting to purchase a few items from the grocery store.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a bit of fun I thought up while wrestling with a self check out machine. Hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

_'Proceed and engage,'_ the voice in his ear commanded.

The Asset felt a moment of trepidation. Blending in with a crowd was something any novice agent could master, but it suddenly seemed impossible. Cameras were everywhere. Someone would see him.

_'Dude, your heart rate is spiking. Breathe before you pass out.'_

Air inflated his lungs. He squared his shoulders, presently encased inside a red, zip-up jacket with the collar lifted to protect his neck, and corrected his posture. The jacket was paired with a pair of blue trainer pants that were a tad too snug and white sneakers. People wouldn't notice a harried gym rat. Their eyes would slide right past him onto the nearby busty blonde with clothes three sizes too small.

Finally, a unit opened up, and he was just ready to surge forward to complete his mission when some snot nosed teenager came out of nowhere and sidled up to the machine. The Asset was armed with one gun and four knives, and he counted dozens of ways he could end the life of the miscreant before anyone batted an eye. So close. The brat came so close to having his head popped like the zits all over his goddamn face because the Winter Soldier wanted to end him.

_'Stay on target.'_

Moments later, another machine freed up. He didn't make the same mistake a second time, instead hurrying forward and plonking his basket down to claim the check-out device as his own. And if he maybe growled at the lady behind him who thought twice about trying to cut around him, well, then, at least she didn't die. She could count herself amongst the lucky.

The instructions on the screen indicated he should touch it to get started. He taped his gloved fingers against the little box. The screen didn't change. He tried a second time. No response. A tight snarl in his throat, he tried it with his flesh and blood hand.

Finally, the display screen changed to a picture of a bag, and a female voice emanated from inside. “Did you bring your own bags?”

The Asset was startled. If asked whether or not he jumped, he would deny everything.

After moment's hesitation, he tapped to indicate that 'no,' he hadn't brought his own goddamn bags. Why the fuck would someone bring their own bags when plastic bags were damn handy for carrying shit around in? Free bags ranked up there with free water. It was fucking free!

The female voice, whom he would henceforth refer to as Hattie, said, “Please scan your first item.”

He briefly settled the jug of water opposite the platform where he'd placed his basket in order to make scanning his items less awkward.

“Please remove item from bagging area.”

Again, he jumped. Again, he would deny everything.

“Please remove item from bagging area.”

“All right, all right. Just shut the fu--”

“Please remove item from bagging area.”

The Asset finally snatched the jug from where he'd rested it and managed to wedge it into his basket.

“Please scan your first item.”

He dragged a box of protein bars across the glass thingie.

“Please scan your first item.”

He tried again.

“Please scan your first item.”

“I did scan my fir--”

“Please scan your first item.”

_'Try the barcode Nik-L-Nips.'_

“What the fuc--”

_'Black lines on a white background with a series of numbers beneath.'_

Locating the barcode, the Asset finally dragged said code across the glass built into the machine, which beeped in response. It caused the name and price of his item to appear on the monitor.

“Please place your item in the bagging area.”

He did as requested, placing the box of protein bars into a brown, plastic bag.

“Please scan your next item.”

Next came a bottle of vodka.

“ID check required. An assistant will be with you shortly.”

“What the fu--”

Something appeared at the bottom of the monitor followed by the name brand and price of the vodka. He glanced up. No one was headed in his direction, so he gently placed the vodka into the bag containing the protein bars.

“Please remove item from bagging area.”

He flinched. Again. Then, he yanked the vodka back out.

“Please place item in bagging area.”

“You just fucking told me--”

_'Do your breathing techniques, man.'_

In through the nose. Out through the mouth. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. In through the—tension eased from his shoulders.

“Please place item in bagging area.”

Gently, as though nothing was wrong in the world, he eased the bottle back into the bag he'd originally snatched it from after Hattie mouthed off at him. He froze, waiting for some other insane instruction to pop out of the machine at him.

“Please scan next item.”

That process continued as he scanned in a box of Captain America cereal, a roll of duct tape, a can of cooking spray, a three pound bag of Peanut M&Ms, and a box of Hot Pockets. The pepperoni pizza kind that Steve otherwise refused to let inside the apartment because they supposedly tasted like re-fried soul with a side of rubber tires. Finally, it was time for the jug of water.

“Please place item in bagging area.”

His fingers slipped, and the jug came down harder than it otherwise should have. Hattie's monitor went a little crazy but seemed to settle after a few moments.

“Please remove item from bagging area.”

“You're a fuckin--”

_'Man, can you hurry it up in there? Steve just ran past the parking lot, and we gotta get back before he makes it back to the Tower.'_

“Please place item in bagging area.”

Again, he settled the jug inside a plastic bag and then moved to double-bag it. Free bags were awesome. He liked to scrunch them up and shove them inside his shoes so the leather would hold its shape without his foot inside. After bagging the item, he placed it on the floor, as the bagging platform was getting kind of crowded.

“Please place item in bagging area.”

“But--”

“Please place item in bagging area.”

“I placed it in the goddamn bagging area, Hattie,” he hissed. “What else do you fucking want with me? My left testicle?”

“Please place item in bagging area.”

“This is the seventh circle of Hell. I'm finally being punished for my sins.”

“Please place item in bagging area.”

The Asset grabbed the jug from the floor and dropped it onto the bagging platform.

Hattie froze.

He tensed, uncertain as to whether or not he'd actually damaged the machine.

“Please scan next item.”

Finally, he tapped the 'Pay Now' button.

“Please select your method of payment.”

He chose 'cash.'

“Please insert coins first followed by bills in the appropriate receptacles.”

Since he didn't like carrying around loose change—the jingle would be sure to give away his position in an undercover operation—he dragged out his wallet and pushed a twenty into the slot. The slot spat it back out. He tried again with the same results. 

At that point, he noticed the little diagram near the slot that showed a cartoonish version of a bill and figured he needed to match how the paper money was oriented with the slot. Fine. He flipped the thing around and pushed it into the slot again. A beat passed. Hattie spat it back out at him.

“Please insert coins first followed by bills in the appropriate receptacles.”

“I'm fucking trying, you fucking pill!”

_'What's taking so long, Man? If we aren't home before Cap, he's gonna have my hide for taking his bike without asking. His bike's more precious than his ball sac.'_

“She. Won't. Take. My. Money.”

“Please insert coins first followed by bills in the appropriate receptacles.”

He stuffed the bill into the port one more time. Two beats passed. His shoulders finally eased. Hattie spat the bill out again. It fluttered to the floor.

Plates in his metal arm shifted with a soft whirring sound, and before he was fully aware of his actions, he threw a punch. By the time he came back to his surroundings, Hattie sagged against the floor in a haphazard heap. A spiral of smoke flitted toward the ceiling, and the area was silent as the grave, other shoppers frozen in open-mouthed horror.

The Asset grabbed a pencil and a piece of paper from a nearby woman's cart and wrote in big, block letters “For Reimbursement, Please Call Tony Stark.”

Then, grabbing his shopping bags, he waltzed toward the sliding glass doors.

“Please insert coins fir--” What remained of the instruction trailed off into digitized gibberish.


End file.
